


Just to Be

by kxkka



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Gen, I'm very good at saying nothing at all, Revolutionary John, a revolution of the mind actually, for now at least, just a lot of thinking basically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-15 10:00:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9229718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kxkka/pseuds/kxkka
Summary: John led them to this project and some days it feels like insanity. But it's not, it's their one way to be free. It's reading, and writing, and thinking, and trying to understand how the world truly works. What they won't tell them. What the truth is behind the Soulmate system and how they exist with a foot outside of it.---This is a scene taken from a larger, stupidly ambitious story I'm slowly working on. Hopefully it will see the light of day soon enough, but I wanted to get this bit out there and see what happened. It's more thoughts pertaining to this AU's reality than an actual scene but I like it and it's pretty much the tone I'm going for anyway.EDIT: I've started posting the main story for this here:Soulmates Never Die





	

**Author's Note:**

> I believe this can be understood as is. It works within a universe where there's Soulmates -at 17 everyone has a first name appear on their skin- and the whole of society basically works within that system. People find their soulmates, they get married, have children, and live happily ever after.  
> (But of course, our dear friends will be something of an exception)  
> I don't want to get too much into that because it's the whole plot of an actual long story I'm working on, but in the setting of this particular one-shot-whatever, our characters are working against this system, looking into how it works and why it's unfulfilling to some people -and why no one will talk about those cases.

 For months they worked together, the five of them. They spent entire nights with their heads bent over books, rainy afternoons writing down ideas, sunny mornings debating on the finer ends of the possibilities. They were challenging the very notion of love, of companionship. John believed it was easiest for him, what with his personal history. But to see Hercules and Angelica, both deeply, truly in love with their given soulmates, work just as hard as him and Lafayette to understand and take apart this system was something he could never have imagined. It was the exact thing that drove him too: the freedom, the possibility of choice. The revolutionary idea that your life was not preemptively mapped out for you. That you had a voice of your own.

    And then there was Alexander. He had no reason not to believe his soulmate was out there, waiting for him to find her and love him with all her heart. No reason not to believe he would feel true happiness with her too. He looked up from his notes, tucking a strand of his hair behind his ear with a sigh, his distant gaze peering out the window, to the snowing landscape of the city. John looked straight at the man sitting next to him. For all the world-building theories and thorough analysis of reality he went through daily, Alexander was a puzzle John simply couldn’t understand. They’d known each other for almost a year and every time he thought he finally knew him, he’d say something, or do something, or gaze a certain way and all of John’s structures were blown away. He didn’t fit in any of the places John tried to put him in his mind, and that was perhaps the most enticing thing about him.

    John wondered if Alexander saw himself that way. If maybe that’s why he was there, devoting all of his free time to an endeavour so ambitious and so unlikely to reach any successful conclusion. Because he _could_ fit in many boxes. He could be all the things the world wanted him to be. Be a functioning member of society. Fnd his soulmate; get married; have children. He was perfectly able to fulfil his predetermined role in life. But maybe he just didn’t _want_ to. And damn if that wasn’t the most essentially Alexander thing John could think of.

 

“Alright, it’s that time again.”

“Seriously?” Hercules groaned. It was the first Sunday of the month and John would stick to his schedule no matter what. Lafayette and Angelica seemed to have resigned themselves already to this habit of his.

“Yes. Seriously.” John waited until everyone had put down their papers and was paying attention. “We’ve been working together for a while now, some longer than others, and I want to remind everyone that there are no strings attached here. We’re friends and we’ll continue being friends no matter what. That said, if anyone has any reservations about the work we’re doing, the door’s open. You can walk away, no hard feelings, no love lost.”

“John, come on!”

“I don’t have to remind you that this is dangerous work we’re doing. No one should feel pressured to keep going if they’ve become uncomfortable with it. If there’s one thing I value above all else is freedom, and so as always this is the time where I remind you that you’re free to choose to walk away from this. There.”

    He took a deep breath. He meant every word, he would never want his friends to feel forced to keep doing something they didn’t want to. Still, he feared. There was a brief time, about two years ago, when Lafayette left for a few weeks. He said he wasn’t in a good place, emotionally, and couldn’t deal with it. John understood, of course he understood. There were times all this thinking was painful enough to want to forget it all. But John couldn’t forget; John _wouldn’t_ forget. Lafayette had come back soon enough, with renewed energy and a fresh mindset. It had led to one of their most productive months, to tell the truth. John trusted his partners, and he wanted them to trust themselves. If anyone felt they couldn’t be there, it was valid and understandable. Every day though, John was afraid they’d all wake up and realise he was crazy; leave him alone. He’d been researching alone for three years before he met Lafayette and finally found someone he could share his theories with. Alone was easier sometimes, but it was not the way he wanted to live. It was easy to forget yourself that way, easy to feel the lines of reality start to blur, and wonder if your mind was in the right place. Or what even was the right place. So yeah. He was grateful for his friends.

“Like hell, Laurens. You’re stuck with me still.” Angelica leaned back against the couch and went back to her reading.

“John, dear, I’m here.” Lafayette patted his shoulder as he got up and walked to the kitchen.

“I’m not even going to dignify that speech with a response, dude.” Hercules rolled his eyes fondly and followed Lafayette.

Alexander was quiet though and John sat down next to him.

“I mean it, you know? Every time.”

“I know. I just…” His eyes were far away. He was facing the wall but he seemed to be looking at something else. “The first time I heard you say these things I didn’t understand. I thought maybe you really wanted us to quit, maybe we were slowing you down and you’d rather work alone. I wasn’t sure it made sense even then, but I couldn’t figure out a reason why you’d say all that. For the longest time, since we met, I couldn’t figure you out.” He looked at John now, his intense gaze trying to read a hidden meaning within his face. “But that’s just it, isn’t it? It’s not about soulmates at all. It’s not about love even. What we’re doing, what you’re doing. It’s so much more than that. It’s about… It’s about being, isn’t it? About just… Being.”

    It felt like an unfinished thought. Something that was forming itself as the words left his mouth and John wasn’t sure he got it but somehow he _knew_. He knew Alexander was right and he knew he understood. That for all of his searching for the meaning of a love he could never feel, the need to understand a role he could never fulfil, John was searching for something much more simple and at the same time much more complex. He understood that every day they woke up and grabbed a new notebook and jotted down ideas, they were making a conscious choice. To step away from what was expected of them. To try something different. To be anything but normal. It wasn’t a natural decision, it wasn’t easy. And that’s what made it important.

“I’m glad you’re choosing to stay, Alexander.”

“I never said that.” He replied, teasing.

“Yes, you did."

 

It was a revolution, alright.

**Author's Note:**

> If there's anything you don't understand or need to know, feel free to ask! It can get a bit crowded in my mind with all the information I've been thinking up about this verse and it might be that some things I think are understood are in fact not if you don't live inside my head.
> 
> Also any thoughts will be appreciated -it might help me get my head in the game and actually write the longer story at a better pace than I'm managing right now.  
> Aaand this is the first thing I've ever posted here, so if I've messed up with any technical thing please let me know! Also it's the first fan fiction I've written/posted in AGES so I'm pretty nervous about it.
> 
> Thanks for reading! <3


End file.
